Because Men Have Balls
My Words and My Balls

Since it’s inception I have been a huge fan of the show “Friday Night Lights”.  The series finale has just concluded and I am left with nothing more than my words and my balls to comfort me in the void that shall truly follow.

For several seasons the show has managed to re-invent itself why still remaining familiar.  Though there has been a larger story arc involving Dillon Football, the show was never about football.  The show was about balls.  Over and over again the characters displayed the nads of World Champions.  Most importantly, and unlike serial soaps, you could tune in and enter life in Dillon at any time during the series and not feel lost.

Life in Dillon was not always pretty.  Life sometimes chewed people up and spit them out.  When this happened man and woman alike had no choice but to ‘sack up’ and move forward.  This is what I loved about FNL; in a world full of pomp and circumstance they kept it real.  This fictional world offered an abyss to gaze at.  If you saw your own reflection you also found your own character.  It is character that keeps us out of the abyss in the real world.

Most importantly, FNL taught me that “Clear Eyes Full Hearts Can’t Lose”.

Does Santa Have Balls?

I am full of christmas cheer…by that I mean I am full with liquor and food from a gathering of acquaintances who are full of christmas Cheer.

In some parts of the country, christmas is upon us.  In some parts of the world christmas day is winding down.

With that said, I have begun to reflect as I often do when full of christmas wine.  However, I am well aware that there are instances when others can convey your thoughts better than you can.  Tonight is one of those instances.

Without further ado, I post this classic poem that begs the question; Do they know its Christmas time?


It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid
At christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy!
Throw your arms around the world at christmas time


But say a prayer - pray for the other ones
At christmas time it’s hard, but when you’re having fun…

There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dreaded fear
Where the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears
And the christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!

And there won’t be snow in Africa this christmas time
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life

Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow

Do they know it’s christmas time at all?

Here’s to you
Raise your glass for everyone
Here’s to them
Underneath that burning sun

Do they know it’s christmas time at all?

Feed the world
Let them know it’s christmas time

Bowling

I’m must apologize peoples, this is not a post about utilizing a Medicinal Card. This is not that type of bowling. Nor is this a post akin to something “The Dude” would find appealing.

Instead, this is a post for those still single with no intention of tying the knot. You see, I was jammed up by some bachelor MWB who took exception to my perceived “Championing” of the institution of marriage. No disrespect to those of the singular relationship status.

Let the public record reflect my respect for those with a pre-disposition to “let their balls knock’em down whenever there are pins in their lane.”

Might I suggest a more humane “catch and release” philosophy to those with a penchant for “trophy hunting.”

I may very well follow up with a post dedicated to the “plumbers” of the world. You know who they are; those MWB with a knack for “laying pipe.”

Enough with the uninspired replies to the slighted singles out there. Ya’all sounding a bit suspect.

The Art of Love-Or How to Embrace Insanity and Pursue the Ideal Wedding

To those of you contemplating the Sacrament of Marriage a fellow MWB offers this exclusive preview from an upcoming publication

Nearly 500 years ago Niccolo’ Machiavelli wrote an epochal political treatise that resonates today.   At its core his work is actually an offering for all future brides.  In their pursuit of the ideal wedding all brides will inevitably ask themselves the following question:   “Is it better to be loved than feared?”  Their conclusion is laced with self-interest; “if one cannot have both it is better to be feared.” Gentleman, please head this warning.  Your fiance is to be feared.

The planning and execution of any wedding is a ballet filled with danger.  There are choices to be considered and decisions to be made.  Your counsel will be sought.  You will need to make statements that will be transcribed and recorded in the annals of your relationship.  You must be involved, honest, supportive, and free from judgment all while remaining non-committal.  Your task is simultaneously contradictory AND straightforward.  Like a master gemologist you will have no room for error. 

There will come a point in time where you’ll awake from reality.  This moment will stay with you forever.  Your bride to be will ask a question regarding a particular detail for your wedding and you will answer as follows:  “Anything you want.”   Please understand the true meaning of the words you speak.  Your future involvement will not be acquiesced.  In fact, there will be some instances where you will unknowingly be volunteering to make the decision for her.  In this instance you will instinctively try to guess what your future wife would want or choose.  This will be the moment your instincts betray you. 

Instead, think of how your wife to be will want to FEEL. This day of matrimony is about her emotions.  Your job is to tap those emotions and help her body produce as many wonderful endorphins as possible.  This day is about an internal process that you are not in a position to fully understand.  You must leave the world of forms and enter the world of ideals.

It is important to remember that an ideal does not, cannot, and will never exist in the real world.  If one were to pursue the perfect pine tree, one would never find it in nature for it exists only in the mind.  The pursuit of the ideal wedding is much the same.  By offering the love of your life the words “anything you want” you will be entering a covenant to capture this elusive ideal. 

Free your mind from worry.  Only by shunning yourself of reason and logic and truly embracing the insanity of the pursuit will your bride acknowledge your Love for her.

Envision for yourself a long and fruitful life filled with many memorable days to call your own.  Your wedding day will not be one of those days.  Your wedding day belongs to her. 

Yes, to some my advice is esoteric in its essence.   Break the iron cages around your mind and embrace the light from within.  What I offer you is not a blueprint.  What I offer you is an ideal.  Seize it.

Niccolo’ Machiavelli’s great inspiration to us was not published until a few years after his death.  My advice to you is simple:  Never allow your future bride to know of your adherence to this philosophy until several years after your own passing lest you end up a Mw/oB (Man without Balls).

Shut your pie hole and follow along

If you have come upon this page your are not alone.  Your existential pleas have not been answered.  Instead, you are being reminded that Men With Balls (herein referred to as MWB) do not plea into the night like lilly ho’s. 

Instead; when confronted with crisis or danger, MWB grab onto them with one hand and flip the bird with the other.  MWB are a rare breed.  Though mortal, they are indestructible and subsequently immortal  (they also do not question contrary statements made to honor the lineage of MWB).

Lastly, MWB do not share their fraternal readings with their significant others.  If you imagined yourself a MwB (Man with Balls) but are right now sharing this post with your SO you do not have balls.  Instead, your significant other is in possession of said balls.  Your balls likely sway from the rear view mirror of your SO’s vehicle or reside in a clear glass decanter in a prominent place in a home or office.  You are a biatch.

Should you wish to answer the call of this great collective please continue to follow subsequent postings. 

Should you wish to become a MwB ask a MwB.